50 Shades of Twilight

Alexandra Steele is a 20-something college student who's been a 20-something college student for over 200 years. She's a vampire, you dope. Forced by her roommate to interview enigmatic Christopher Greene, Seattle's youngest, richest and most mysterious entrepreneur, Alex is anticipating a dull afternoon...***I smirk at myself in the mirror with self-satisfaction. My hair is terrific, my rack is amazing and those teeth bleaching strips really do the trick. I pity those sad women who cannot sleep with wet hair. My locks are bouncy and gorgeous no matter what abuse I subject them to-pools, up-dos, long rides in convertibles-it's all child's play to these dark-brown-not-quite-chestnut follicles. Great hair is my favorite benefit of being a vampire.My roommate, Shelly Brown, is face down on the couch, moaning in agony. The winner of last night's Thai Palace coconut curry death match has yet to be declared. Shell's a strong contender, fighting off the marauding hoards of E. coli bacteria, but her gastrointestinal system has taken several blows to the head and that cut over its eye isn't looking too good. As a result of her curry excesses last evening, I am forced to give up a lazy Friday morning and drive to Seattle to meet some crusty, dusty, fusty old rich fart that she scheduled to interview for the school newspaper. I know. It sounds like an episode of The Brady Bunch, right? I wish. If it were, I could have Alice clean up the debris field that Shell left in the crapper last night.***Alex drives to his office and is ushered in by his elegant assistant.***He reaches out and gives me a handshake that would make a professional wrestler blush. Nice and hard. Crunching, almost. I meet his crunch with my own vise grip. Our eyes meet as we test each others' strength. It is carnal, challenging and sexy as hell. Wait. What is that weird smile? Is he grinding his teeth? I resist the urge to growl, but cannot make myself lower my gaze. I scan him for vampire traits. No, he is definitely human, but there is something feral about this man. My sluggish, venom-clogged heart skips a beat-which is saying something since it only beats about four times a minute anyway.***Alex's human charade falters under his influence and her true nature comes out.***"Ms. Silver. Are these really the things you want to talk about?"I pause for a moment, cocking my head to one side, both deciding how gutsy to get with this guy and simultaneously hoping I am not setting off that eye-motion security system. I would rather be alone with him, and his suit, in this office right now rather than fake wrestling with a hulky security guard whom I could physically dispatch in a microsecond."Well, you are obviously smart. Nobody could build a corporate empire this vast if they were as dumb as half the guys I've dated. That empire has made you very rich. Your power extends beyond the business, allowing you to rub shoulders with and influence government officials and celebrities all over the world."I pause. Those eyebrows rise again in query. I take a deep breath."Well, so just how big is your schlong anyway?" I blurt out, almost before I realize it.***What's a 200-year-old 20-something to do when a guy affects her this strongly?